Awaiting the Darkest!

I

I wake up to the dark clouds…and say damn! Where is the darkest one?
I go off to sleep only to wake up to the darker shade…aahhh!! I guess
I like it better!
The darkest of them all whom I crave to meet…
Is still missing…the rude and dark and the one that
Welcomes thunder!
I am scared of the thunder!

And often I walk out of my door to that aimless street
I see every day when I wake up…
That aimless street that leads to some same old places…
Some same old faces…the faces with selfish frowns…
The ones that criticize my walk-talk and laughter…
Precisely, the street that leads to nowhere…

I wake up a day and I wish to see the darkest of the clouds…
The one still missing!

You may call me a sadist…a masochist…a pessimist!
I love the darkest cloud and I have my reasons…

II

And when the air touches my face…
I feel the kiss of my loved one on my cheeks…
My forehead and all over my face!
Ahh! The playful air whispers my name…
I believe it wants to say more…some message from the one
So far away…and tickles my neck and caresses my arms…
And right then a Bang! And another!
I wake up! I find the door that had been left un-leashed is fierce
Banging itself to the edges! Fierce not the un-leashed door…but…
Its fierce outside…the storm…a tree tears apart from its root..aah!
What a pain!

I am scared of the storm as much as I am comfortable with the soft breeze that
Kisses and touches my face…
But I wonder why I love the fierce storm!?!
That destructive thing that blows me away with each of his ‘in love’ gestures…
(May be coz I wait to be blown away to my “some place else”…away from this “nowhere”!)

He is insane…but I still walk out to embrace his insanity…
I can now feel his heart beat in the rhythm of my heart
…thud thud! thud thud! It goes on…
And I find his heart as much scared as my heart is…
And I find a ‘me’ so fragile is the reason????Mad????
He is scared of the love in him…his strength...he is scared he would blow so hard someday, and end up breaking me…huh…

III

How to let him know that I don’t fear being broken!
How to let him know it won’t be too easy a thing to break a broken thing!
How to let him know that in my heart I know that the comfortable breeze is but a gentler form of him…
That yet I appreciate his fierceness more than the gentle him…coz there remains huge self control…and this out of control fierce self of him is more real…and this heart loves the real him!
I have seen his naked heart! I have seen his naked heart…
Have seen the bloody blood…the fierce bloody blood…pump in and pump out of them…that seeks freedom…boundlessness! He have been loved in all his gentleness and criticized in his realness …when he couldn’t pretend anymore…
I have seen the aches when he tried and stretched out his hand to hold on to love and ended up shattering its existence because of his own fierce self! Until he ended up claustrophobic in pretention…
Oh! I see him surprised! Staring at me…undecided…dangling in between his pretentious self and the real one…
Oh! He is surprised to see a ‘fragile’ me scared and not…standing in front of the storm that has penetrated his soul long long ago…the storm that has become the Him in him!
Oh! I think I scared him again!

IV

I have seen many of the dark clouds…but the darkest one I crave to see is still missing!
No I believe I am not a sadist…a masochist…a pessimist!
They say “every dark cloud has a silver lining”…I believe…and I have seen the silver linings proving them correct!
But I am in search of my darkest cloud! I believe it would appear some day.
I believe I would have to wait a little longer…until it appears…until my ‘fierce love’ realizes how fearless I can be in love!
Until my ‘darkest cloud’ brings in with it, its ‘silver lining’!
The “brightest silver lining” from the darkest cloud!
For my darkened soul!
Ahh! I am waiting!

Diving In...

She had never been out there in that wild world
Never been in the garden of oysters and pearl.
Even floating in the waters of Andaman
Tried but couldn’t touch the living corals by the hand


She collected a few but they were dead...
And dead but beauty, tucked within the sandy bed
She carried them back home with love and care
But to dive in deeper and touch them alive…she didn’t dare...


And she wakes up in the middle of the life...
She wants to shout fearless n make a deep dive...
A bit of a chance to herself, she wants to give...
For the first time in a long while...she wants to LIVE....

ECSTASY

Late but it’s never late. I thought the ‘times’ are over, indeed they are…but then, it is over until new times are born. In a different way, a different shape, often unrecognizable. The innocence gone, rather murdered by the self. The heart broken, but not unlovable; non fixable but not non gatherable; the cracks visible, the thing often grotesque in shape, but sticking together just to prove it’s not over, not yet.
The rain doesn’t mean ‘romantic’ anymore, but a soothing touch of some long forgotten little girl’s fantasy. The chill in the cheeks standing at the door of a fast moving local train, in a lonesome winter ‘s evening is not ‘masochism’ but a feel…sipping in another trait of this vulnerable-adorable-dynamic life. Dreams, not to be true, but yet to be viewed, with eyes open or closed. Holding on to life though every moment is but a step nearing the death. Inevitability not to be feared, but holding on to the volatile spirit of life.
I don’t know what I speak, but I speak. I don’t know how far the love would take us, but I love. Don’t know life’s intentions, never knew, never understood when it played its nasty pranks…but life I held on to, I still do. The trust I showered on ‘life’ brought back certain dry droplets of dew I had longed for, for so long…longed and longed - until forgotten…but it’s here again, knocking at the door behind the lashes.
There is a difference between fun and happiness. Fun is good but momentary. Happiness, a good feeling that lingers in the heart for a longer while, but a fragile heart if it be, it might just get evaporated in the blink of an eye. And there is ECSTASY. A feel, indefinably pure…surprisingly precious…a feel unparalleled… a long walk in the dark…a holding hand… a first kiss… a shy look penetrating the heart… ecstasy !ecstasy! ecstasy! I shout in my silence…a love in my heart- HEART- that thing in bad shape-but not dead…a life crawling towards the death…till then lets LIVE, for life’s sake.