Inside I felt empty...
It felt little cold...
My dreams by now have turned so old...
Its left untouched,safe somewhere..
In my heart inside...
No one is there to follow me now...
And there is no one to guide... ... ...

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

groping darknes...in search of "me"...

it was dark outside...winter was nearing its end for the year...and a pleasant breeze crawled in silently and made me feel its existance prompting a ticklish feel down my neck n ears...i took a deep breath...it smelled of the raindrops...it smelled like when the first drops fell over thirsty dry land...a very unusual thing to happen in the middle of Feb...but it did rain today...a few drops though...
i inhaled more and more of the fragrance, putting my lungs to xtreme pressure untill something ached inside...i had to slow down...
i guess i just wanted to capture the moment ...the fragrace...the darkness of the night ,into my numb heart...
and all of it ...the cool breeze...the smell...the darkness...took me on a time machine to the days.. so distant now...that i had almost lost its existance...
a time when life was generous..."dreams were to come true some day"-- hope was still alive...and the thought of "love" was the loveliest of all...
the rain when came to the doorsteps...as if it came just for me...the birds hurried back to their shelter...n i, with open arms welcomed the rain...i had no wings but my dreams used to take me to an altitude... no bird could imagine ..to fly...
n at the night hours...as i laid down my lazy bones on my warm bed..the friendly moon peeped in
through my window...to give me company...
and there came the soft wind that touched my face with the pampering shiver...
ohh!!! how i miss those days...vacant but full of life...
n today...back to reality...i find myself sitted alone in the darkness...groping throught the dark...searching "me"...
....failure....
i guess i hav just "lost" myself...a little while ago.....

Sunday, February 14, 2010

LETTER TO THE CITY...FROM A SMALL TOWN GIRL...

Dear “City Of Joy”,
Never thought, that someday I would be writing this letter to you. Can’t deny the fact that you and your people had been a great host to me for the past few years. Can’t deny that when I first stepped in you , I was a little girl with big dreams and bigger expectations from life; and today while writing this letter to you, I believe I am more matured a lady ,prepared enough to accept the ups and downs of reality.
First of all I would like to thank you. Thank you for the warm welcome from your part. You are so very colourful that your colours can easily make a newcomer get addicted to you. And your crowd seems to be so full of energy that one can get involved so very easily. Thank you so much for letting me be a part of the life for a while. Thank you.
But there is a confession to be made. I could not be a part of your crowd with all of my heart. And I am sorry for that. I am sorry that I could not accept the life you offered. But please do trust me, I respect you a lot and so I did sincerely try to be a part of the colours, the crowd…I failed. And I am sorry.
It was not your fault dear City…but mine. I guess I had a different notion about life, a different bit of expectation from it. I realized it very late that reality is a different thing altogether, and dreams are after all dreams, far from the real world. And one day I suddenly woke up and saw …hundreds of them, walking down the street, in different directions, to different destinies, carrying different expressions on their faces…only one thing in common …all of them were facing the harsh reality…all of them doing what they should do instead of what they really want to do. And I felt so sorry for them. If I am allowed to put it this way (no offense to the ones who does not agree), it’s a pity that in spite of being a part of the crowd, all of your people seems to be so lonely, it’s a pity that when they feel like crying they hardly finds a place to themselves…and thus most of the times they are deprived of the pleasure of crying.
And so I feel sorry for them…and I feel sorry for you dear City…you must also be in tremendous pain, isn’t it? Seeing so many of your people continuously compromising with life…it must be heart breaking for you…I understand…And everybody calls you the City Of Joy…what an irony!!
And finally before ending my letter I would like you to know…that one day I cried for you, and I wished that you were a person instead of being the gorgeous city…coz’ only then it would have been possible for me to take you to my Small Town, and let you know how my life had been before I came to you. How God had painted my place , not as colourful as yours, but a lively green. How the Autumn leaves falls over a school going little girl on a bicycle , and makes her feel like a Princess being welcomed in her own Kingdom. And how the dawning dusk throws its twilight over a flock of birds returning to their nests…and how a mud stained little boy reluctantly walks back home from the playground. And there are so many love stories that begun with the monsoon drizzles…and the silence of the winter nights only being disturbed by the sound of the dew drops… … …
I might sound a lot silly to your citizen…but trust me, you have so much in you…only this bit of ‘silly’ simplicity is missing …
Thanking you,
Yours Small Town Girl.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

No Pain…No Joy…The Feelings… Gone Numb…

Its like being naked in a snowy winter night; its like being exposed to the chilly stormy wind of the cold desert for a real long time ; its like being the victim of a severe frost bite that makes your senses go numb…Its like keeping your eyes wide open in extreme darkness and after some times it doesn’t really matter if the eyes are at all open or closed…Its like falling from a great altitude , suspending yourself to a “free falling”(just like performing sky diving, only without any assurance of survival). Initially its frightful, and then after some times --- a surrender --- to reality, to fate, to one’s destiny--- waiting for a severe thud ,a thrust…when met with the ground…----
All of the sensibilities for the first few moments are “feelings” (good or bad)… ‘it’ remaining unchanged for some times give birth to “joy” or “pain” (its nothing but the different names of the same lane…/or , the different lanes that lead to the same destiny)…the “feelings” persisting for a longer while thus makes it lose its significance ---- feelings remaining the same forever ---may convert to boredom--- and then to nothing and thus “numb’’. And when someone accepts this numbness, and welcomes the thud with widely spread open arms (adjustment via compromise)---its called maturity.
Once the silly nice stuffs that made me smile have almost lost its meaning---today smiling makes my cheek bones ache…and the intense heart aches that made --- me cry , and made so many of my nights sleepless can no more bring the dead dry tears to life…they call it “growing up’’…my perception of life…and the perspective of viewing life being slightly ‘not so normal’…I call it going “NUMB”
“ No pain…No joy…The feelings gone Numb”…