samay-ratri...

Ami chilem nodi, shei ichchamoti naam..
Enke benke chole chilem..perie shohor gram…
Chilo ak chotto asha…
Akla moner valobasha…
Hothat kore Jodi kothao tomar dacha pai..
Debo shob ujaar kore, ja chaibe tai…

Shei aasha kei shongi kore perie gelem koto jibon..
Kato por r kato apon..
Kato provat aandhar pore…
Elem ami tomar dware…
Jethae tumi akla boshe kahar opekhkhae…
Amar shikto paarer kone,
Ki vebe jao apon mone..
Bujhle nako , lutiechilem ..tomar shukno paye??

Samay takhon perie gele…
Amar pronam erie gele…
Chailena r amar pane..
Dilena sur amar gaane…
“Shondhya” jokhon r ak kule…
“Samay”..amaye gele vule??
Tahar panei cheye tumi shapno dekhe jao…

Ami abaar akla boshe…
R ektu khon valobeshe…
R ektibar kaache eshe…
Bolchi ami tai…
Bondhu…tomar kashto kisher??
Kothae jete chao…
Bolle---“amar priyotoma…
Onno pare thake…
Vebechilem tori ele …
Dekhte jabo take…
Tomar srot vaari teebro..
Teekno tomar taan…
Opare te jawar shob ashae amar mlaan…”

“tomar jonno “Sondya” amar..
Akla boshe ghaate…
Andhokarei milie jae…
Akae jibon kaate…”

Shei j bole chole gele…
Shei to shesh dakha…
Cholte cholte klaanto ami,
R choli na aka…

Ami r Nodi noi go…
“Ratri” amar naam…
Andhokarei milie jai…
Andhokar e praan…

Batash aaj bole galo…
Tomar khobor vaalo…
Tomar ghore jole naki…
Roj godhulir aalo??
Shuni naki aajo tumi
Shei pare tei aasho??
Shei pare tei tumi take anek valobasho??

Valo theko…Valo rekho..
Tomar Valobasha…..
Mor harie gie shukno pare….
R hobe na asha….
Mor harie gie shukno pare
R holo na asha...

If Only...

If only i could wet myself in this rain...the very first drops of the season...
yes...she is finally home...and i am envious...
I envy those dry leaves out there...they have faced the scorching heat,
 more than me...I know...and my jealousy is wrong...
coz' they deserve you more than me...
But who knows...may be the intensity of my thirst was more than them...???
             
May be i was in need of the RAINS more than any one else.???
I had been waiting for so long...GODOT ---yet to arrive...and the WAITING won't stop...

but waiting for you O DRIZZLES...let it Stop for a while...
Stop ...sit beside me...a while please...lets talk of not being in love...i know it won't be easy...lets try...
lets talk just because we want to...lets talk because mine and your languages are different...yet...LETS JUST TALK...
let me touch you...let me feel you when i shiver...let me cry with you...coz your tears they welcome...mine ...behind my mask...let me get unmasked for a while...let me cry so no one would know...only me and you...

come...come dear RAIN...i know you can't wait forever...but till then...wet my heart ...
WET my HEART for a while please...i know that wont unburn the burns...neither subtract the sufferings...but yet ...atleast let me hope...a FALSE HOPE may be...atleast let me LIVE this while...

i wish...

i wish it to rain tonight...
i wish to turn off the moon light...
i wish the darkness to never fade...
i wish to speak out the words unsaid...
i wish to see how death may die...
i wish to know how it feels to fly...
i wish to kill the life so dead...
i wish to die upon the grass bed...
i wish to take off the mask i wear...
i wish i could win over my fear...
i wish to die and die again...
i wish and wish...to feel the pain...

groping darknes...in search of "me"...

it was dark outside...winter was nearing its end for the year...and a pleasant breeze crawled in silently and made me feel its existance prompting a ticklish feel down my neck n ears...i took a deep breath...it smelled of the raindrops...it smelled like when the first drops fell over thirsty dry land...a very unusual thing to happen in the middle of Feb...but it did rain today...a few drops though...
i inhaled more and more of the fragrance, putting my lungs to xtreme pressure untill something ached inside...i had to slow down...
i guess i just wanted to capture the moment ...the fragrace...the darkness of the night ,into my numb heart...
and all of it ...the cool breeze...the smell...the darkness...took me on a time machine to the days.. so distant now...that i had almost lost its existance...
a time when life was generous..."dreams were to come true some day"-- hope was still alive...and the thought of "love" was the loveliest of all...
the rain when came to the doorsteps...as if it came just for me...the birds hurried back to their shelter...n i, with open arms welcomed the rain...i had no wings but my dreams used to take me to an altitude... no bird could imagine ..to fly...
n at the night hours...as i laid down my lazy bones on my warm bed..the friendly moon peeped in
through my window...to give me company...
and there came the soft wind that touched my face with the pampering shiver...
ohh!!! how i miss those days...vacant but full of life...
n today...back to reality...i find myself sitted alone in the darkness...groping throught the dark...searching "me"...
....failure....
i guess i hav just "lost" myself...a little while ago.....

LETTER TO THE CITY...FROM A SMALL TOWN GIRL...

Dear “City Of Joy”,
Never thought, that someday I would be writing this letter to you. Can’t deny the fact that you and your people had been a great host to me for the past few years. Can’t deny that when I first stepped in you , I was a little girl with big dreams and bigger expectations from life; and today while writing this letter to you, I believe I am more matured a lady ,prepared enough to accept the ups and downs of reality.
First of all I would like to thank you. Thank you for the warm welcome from your part. You are so very colourful that your colours can easily make a newcomer get addicted to you. And your crowd seems to be so full of energy that one can get involved so very easily. Thank you so much for letting me be a part of the life for a while. Thank you.
But there is a confession to be made. I could not be a part of your crowd with all of my heart. And I am sorry for that. I am sorry that I could not accept the life you offered. But please do trust me, I respect you a lot and so I did sincerely try to be a part of the colours, the crowd…I failed. And I am sorry.
It was not your fault dear City…but mine. I guess I had a different notion about life, a different bit of expectation from it. I realized it very late that reality is a different thing altogether, and dreams are after all dreams, far from the real world. And one day I suddenly woke up and saw …hundreds of them, walking down the street, in different directions, to different destinies, carrying different expressions on their faces…only one thing in common …all of them were facing the harsh reality…all of them doing what they should do instead of what they really want to do. And I felt so sorry for them. If I am allowed to put it this way (no offense to the ones who does not agree), it’s a pity that in spite of being a part of the crowd, all of your people seems to be so lonely, it’s a pity that when they feel like crying they hardly finds a place to themselves…and thus most of the times they are deprived of the pleasure of crying.
And so I feel sorry for them…and I feel sorry for you dear City…you must also be in tremendous pain, isn’t it? Seeing so many of your people continuously compromising with life…it must be heart breaking for you…I understand…And everybody calls you the City Of Joy…what an irony!!
And finally before ending my letter I would like you to know…that one day I cried for you, and I wished that you were a person instead of being the gorgeous city…coz’ only then it would have been possible for me to take you to my Small Town, and let you know how my life had been before I came to you. How God had painted my place , not as colourful as yours, but a lively green. How the Autumn leaves falls over a school going little girl on a bicycle , and makes her feel like a Princess being welcomed in her own Kingdom. And how the dawning dusk throws its twilight over a flock of birds returning to their nests…and how a mud stained little boy reluctantly walks back home from the playground. And there are so many love stories that begun with the monsoon drizzles…and the silence of the winter nights only being disturbed by the sound of the dew drops… … …
I might sound a lot silly to your citizen…but trust me, you have so much in you…only this bit of ‘silly’ simplicity is missing …
Thanking you,
Yours Small Town Girl.

No Pain…No Joy…The Feelings… Gone Numb…

Its like being naked in a snowy winter night; its like being exposed to the chilly stormy wind of the cold desert for a real long time ; its like being the victim of a severe frost bite that makes your senses go numb…Its like keeping your eyes wide open in extreme darkness and after some times it doesn’t really matter if the eyes are at all open or closed…Its like falling from a great altitude , suspending yourself to a “free falling”(just like performing sky diving, only without any assurance of survival). Initially its frightful, and then after some times --- a surrender --- to reality, to fate, to one’s destiny--- waiting for a severe thud ,a thrust…when met with the ground…----
All of the sensibilities for the first few moments are “feelings” (good or bad)… ‘it’ remaining unchanged for some times give birth to “joy” or “pain” (its nothing but the different names of the same lane…/or , the different lanes that lead to the same destiny)…the “feelings” persisting for a longer while thus makes it lose its significance ---- feelings remaining the same forever ---may convert to boredom--- and then to nothing and thus “numb’’. And when someone accepts this numbness, and welcomes the thud with widely spread open arms (adjustment via compromise)---its called maturity.
Once the silly nice stuffs that made me smile have almost lost its meaning---today smiling makes my cheek bones ache…and the intense heart aches that made --- me cry , and made so many of my nights sleepless can no more bring the dead dry tears to life…they call it “growing up’’…my perception of life…and the perspective of viewing life being slightly ‘not so normal’…I call it going “NUMB”
“ No pain…No joy…The feelings gone Numb”…